"And they call the wind..."

...Annoying!

  The wind has been blowing steadily, strongly, every day, all day for the last 6 weeks here, and, to be honest, I am about to climb a clock tower.  Of course, even if there was a clock tower in Boquete, I would be hanging on for dear life, flapping in the fucking wind like a plastic grocery bag caught in a tree!

  When I first moved here I used to think “Wow!  This place is really progressive.  They do not allow firearms to be owned, sold, or shipped into this quaint little town.”  Now, I know the TRUE reason why these strict gun rules apply.  It’s not to keep violent crimes from happening (They still sell sharp-ish knives).  It is because they only have one funeral home in town.  If people here had guns, the suicide rate, especially among ex-patriots, would overwhelm the pathologist, or embalmer, or Francisco, or whatever they call him – and with the warm, tropical weather – well, you smell the picture.

Not me

The wind is so strong here that you cannot even wear a baseball cap without fear of it winding up on some kid’s head in Costa Rica.  That is, unless you look directly at your feet as you walk, in which case you run the risk of a bloody head-on collision with another idiot wearing a baseball cap.  Seriously, if your hat happens to blow off while you are out in public – you just want to pretend you weren’t wearing one in the first place and keep on walking.  You can retrieve it in a couple of months, somewhere in the Panama-Texas border area, known by the locals as “The Caribbean Ocean”.

Not the ocean

Environmentalist all over the world are warning about the use of fossil fuels creating a

“Global Warming”, and how the warming of the oceans is going to be the death of us all.  I’m here to tell you – it’s not the depleted “O-Zone” that is causing the oceans to heat up.  It’s hats from Boquete.  It’s an Un-cover-up, I tell ya!

A number of years ago, the legend of a tall hairy creature, known as “Boquete Bill”, which roamed the area at night was told.  I mean, the creature terrorized this sleepy little burg,

Police Sketch of Boquete Bill

wreaking havoc and haunting children’s dreams for nearly two weeks.  Described as over six feet tall (which by Panamanian measure is huge), and covered with hair of all shades and textures, this beast had a mournful howl that would send shivers down the spine of even the most macho men in the area.  At the same time “Boquete Bill” arrived on the scene, an ex-pat named Robert Weinstein mysteriously disappeared.  Robert Weinstein owned a “finca” (or farm) on the outskirts of town growing cabbage and raising bees, and never bothered no one.  No one, I tell ya!

Long story, short…

One particularly windy day, Robert Weinstein was collecting honey from his bee hives to sell at the Tuesday Gringo Market (which oddly enough happens every Tuesday). when suddenly a strong gust of wind came in from the north and sent all the hives skyward, scattering the bees and covering poor

Mr. Weinstein in fresh honey.  As he rushed to recover enough of the gooey, golden goodness to sell at the market, he neglected to change clothes or even to wash his hands.

  As he arrived at the Gringo Market the wind continued to scream through the trees.  Just

then a bus full of retirees from Miami emptied into the Boquete sunshine.  One by one, the tottering gringos stepped off the bus, and one by one, their toupees and wigs were ripped from their heads and blown down the street to where the hapless Mr. Weinstein stood covered in sticky, delicious honey.

   

Well, I don’t think you need to hear the rest of the tale, other than to say that for two weeks Robert “Boquete Bill” Weinstein lived on honey and musty, human hair.  His attempted to eat his way free from the inside out was almost successful – until a rare Panamanian Grizzly bear that had followed Robert’s trail of sweet hairballs – caught up to him and ate him.

It makes you reflect doesn’t it?  All we are is must in the wind.

   Also:  The wind is driving me crazy.  Seriously. 

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, HONEY!

 DP