Whiteylocks 2

“Whiteylocks” continued…

I’d like to start this entry by entering my personal space; that is, a space between ‘Whitey’ and ‘Locks’.  This allows me to continue the story from yesterday without actually having to put any real effort into it.  Therefore, today’s entry is called;

"W H I T E Y   L O C K S"

As some of you are aware this reporter is currently residing in the Central American

country known by a single word, a word the locals call ‘Panama’.  The word "Panama"

itself means…well, I don’t know, but I’m sure someone does.  Panama has been around

in some form or another for centuries and used to be known

as;  "That Little Strip of Land that Connects Those other Two

Big Pieces of Land Together". 

Of course, it wasn’t until the 18th or 19th century, when "maps"

were invented, that the name of this little country was changed,

not only to protect the  names of the innocent, but because the

original name was way longer than the actual country itself.  Also, the name wouldn't fit on 

a "map".  And so, the tiny country that stands between North America and South America

officially became "El Dolor en el Culo", which translated from 

the original language means "Pain in the Ass", so called

because if it weren’t for this little, tropical country a ship full

of dirty, stinky pirates could cut their travel time from the

Caribbean sea to the Pacific ocean by roughly 2,500 years, thus

saving count-less buccaneer suicides. This also explains why

so many pirates buried their treasure among the islands of the

Caribbean. 

When Captain James T. Cook was

asked, in a 1724 "Pirates Life" interview,

why he buried his "booty" in the white sands of the Caribbean

and not the cold, gray sands of The Pacific he said

“What’s the point? We’d all be dead by the time we sailed

around South America.  Might just as well bury the stuff here

and hope we can remember where we put it."  Which they

didn't.  

      Then some other things happened and a couple of centuries later, a now 

forgotten country called "France" got tired of hearing the pirates whine and,  

putting their collective brain power to work, came up with the idea

of digging a long ditch through the jungles of ‘El Dolor en el Culo’,

a ditch big enough to walk through, while dragging gold, spices,

and long, hard loaves of bread behind them in rickety, old carts.

Well, in no time at all, France gave up digging and changed 

the name of the country to ‘Panama’.

      By the turn of the 20th century the “United States” had won its

independence from...well, I don't know, some other country - but,

my point is that the U.S. decided to pick up the challenge where

France had left off.  However, the “United States” took a different

approach to the project and decided to dig a ditch big enough to actually sail a

ship through.  They built a series of ‘floating stair steps’ which, upon entering, could

raise or lower a vessel by filling or emptying giant bathtubs full of sea water.  These

bathtubs were known as ‘locks’.  Today this series of 'locks' is called "The New Jersey

Turnpike" - no, wait...“The Panama Canal."  Yes! Its now

known as the "Panama Canal!"

      But the native Panamanians, reflecting on this steel

and concrete monstrosity that tore asunder their quiet, 

beautiful home, called it "Cerraduras Blanco" or

"Whitey Locks".  Which brings us full circle. 

I'm sorry, I don't write the news, I only report it.  Thank you, and Good Night.